For the past two days, I have been feeling empty...literally.
Now, as a believer this kind of feeling is not good or healthy for me because I also did not feel like praying or reading my bible. I also did not feel like going to work or being productive as a whole. I tried to pray but it was bland... you know like.. ''thank you lord for my life...Good night''.. lol. One thing you should know is I love everything I do to have a purpose. As a matter of fact, if I have decided to pray at say 12pm, I write down what I want to pray about or people I want to pray for in advance (look at God turning my OCD around for good!😊, FYI I love to plan and organize and before I got saved, when things do not go exactly as I have laid out, I freak out and make everyone feel horrible for it... but not anymore, that ship has sailed and I am learning everyday to trust God.)
Back to the topic...
So today I literally laid my heart before God and repented of the source of my emptiness. I looked inwards and found out that I was unhappy about an area in my life, I was also anxious, worried and over-thinking things. the holy spirit is steadily building Patience in me, It is a slow and steady ride!
This morning, I remember vividly praying that the Lord should build patience in me, enough to last this day, ( do not ask for something from the lord if you are not ready to receive it!)
I felt better today.
No emptiness just a lot of tasks to complete at work and I was handling it well.
Till I had a misunderstanding with someone dear to my heart and I was so angry. I expressed the way I felt about a matter we were both involved in and my beloved took it another way and i was mad!
Like how do you misinterpret something so clear and obvious? I was so mad and a lot of emotions began to come up, one of which was Pain and Fear! (I do not like to get vulnerable with people, I hate to express my emotions. Emotions like pain, hurt,tears...etc so my fear was stemmed from the fact that this person would take my vulnerability for granted and then I hardened up, yelp! the devil is a liar.)
I explained myself again but I was definitely not pleased and did not wish to either carry-on the conversation or any kind of conversation in the future! even after apologies and a whole lot of humble explanation from my beloved, I still maintained my stand. Talk about throwing the whole rosebush away just because I got pricked by one tiny thorn that can be squashed... how (almost) foolish of me.
Now do not get me wrong, it is okay to be hurt and own your feeling. it is alright to express them in the bounds of respect so you can be heard by the other person. Nobody should be allowed to either invalidate your feelings or tell you how you should ''handle'' your hurt, just allow yourself to be begged and brought out of this bad emotion if He or she has the sense to pet you out of it. This does not in any way endorse people in relationships that continue to exhibit the same toxic habit that depletes the love tank of their beloved. Love is kind covers being ''kind'' enough to listen and change truly but this is a topic for another day.
I told him i needed to be left alone, I needed a period of silence...smh. He insisted he would not leave me alone. He would call me every single day.. sigh.
I began to look for ways and activities to fill up my week so I can successfully ignore Him 😁. While I was on this grand task, something flashed on my screen and it read '' The problem with Christians in their romantic relationships is that they forget what the bible says about love''. I am a very curious person and even though I had read 1corinthians 13 more than a few times, I still stopped and googled it again, this time with my dictionary by my side. it read;
I checked for the dictionary meaning of Patient and it read '' willing to wait if necessary, not losing ones's temper while waiting, calmly diligent''.
I checked the meaning of rude and it read '' Tough''.
Let's not even go to ''easily angered'' because now that I think about it, my beloved was only expressing his fears in the misinterpretation of my text. I could have addressed that and assured him but i was more hurt with the misinterpretation. After reading all this, I quickly reasoned that nobody is perfect and if he was going through all the lengths to bring me to my happy place, I should meet him half-way and not make it ''tough'' for him by constantly pushing him away.
I also learned that offences will come. if you cannot overlook a wrong (proverbs 19;11), keep no record of wrongs or intentionally keep the peace in your relationship by learning to serve each other, meet each others emotional needs and forgiving quickly and constantly the devil will breed on your weaknesses. This is why most healthy relationships and marriages fall apart. You both have to die to yourself.
In this case, I had to see beyond my hurt feelings, I had to see that this man was also hurt and he is not a bad person and definitely not out to hurt me. I had to be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that I did not want to let go of this fracas easily because I feared he may hurt me in a bigger way tomorrow or worse take me or my emotions for granted
(what a fat lie! talk about the devil trying to prey on my past), the bible clearly says '' there is no fear in love''.
As long as your foundation is right, you both have same values and have agreed to go in the right direction, you will constantly see things you will not like and you will have to work it out or the devil will walk you out of that good relationship (omg!!! i just preached a whole sermon that rhymed..hahhahaha 😀😂😂😂).
so what did i learn today?
Now, as a believer this kind of feeling is not good or healthy for me because I also did not feel like praying or reading my bible. I also did not feel like going to work or being productive as a whole. I tried to pray but it was bland... you know like.. ''thank you lord for my life...Good night''.. lol. One thing you should know is I love everything I do to have a purpose. As a matter of fact, if I have decided to pray at say 12pm, I write down what I want to pray about or people I want to pray for in advance (look at God turning my OCD around for good!😊, FYI I love to plan and organize and before I got saved, when things do not go exactly as I have laid out, I freak out and make everyone feel horrible for it... but not anymore, that ship has sailed and I am learning everyday to trust God.)
Back to the topic...
So today I literally laid my heart before God and repented of the source of my emptiness. I looked inwards and found out that I was unhappy about an area in my life, I was also anxious, worried and over-thinking things. the holy spirit is steadily building Patience in me, It is a slow and steady ride!
This morning, I remember vividly praying that the Lord should build patience in me, enough to last this day, ( do not ask for something from the lord if you are not ready to receive it!)
I felt better today.
No emptiness just a lot of tasks to complete at work and I was handling it well.
Till I had a misunderstanding with someone dear to my heart and I was so angry. I expressed the way I felt about a matter we were both involved in and my beloved took it another way and i was mad!
Like how do you misinterpret something so clear and obvious? I was so mad and a lot of emotions began to come up, one of which was Pain and Fear! (I do not like to get vulnerable with people, I hate to express my emotions. Emotions like pain, hurt,tears...etc so my fear was stemmed from the fact that this person would take my vulnerability for granted and then I hardened up, yelp! the devil is a liar.)
I explained myself again but I was definitely not pleased and did not wish to either carry-on the conversation or any kind of conversation in the future! even after apologies and a whole lot of humble explanation from my beloved, I still maintained my stand. Talk about throwing the whole rosebush away just because I got pricked by one tiny thorn that can be squashed... how (almost) foolish of me.
Now do not get me wrong, it is okay to be hurt and own your feeling. it is alright to express them in the bounds of respect so you can be heard by the other person. Nobody should be allowed to either invalidate your feelings or tell you how you should ''handle'' your hurt, just allow yourself to be begged and brought out of this bad emotion if He or she has the sense to pet you out of it. This does not in any way endorse people in relationships that continue to exhibit the same toxic habit that depletes the love tank of their beloved. Love is kind covers being ''kind'' enough to listen and change truly but this is a topic for another day.
I told him i needed to be left alone, I needed a period of silence...smh. He insisted he would not leave me alone. He would call me every single day.. sigh.
I began to look for ways and activities to fill up my week so I can successfully ignore Him 😁. While I was on this grand task, something flashed on my screen and it read '' The problem with Christians in their romantic relationships is that they forget what the bible says about love''. I am a very curious person and even though I had read 1corinthians 13 more than a few times, I still stopped and googled it again, this time with my dictionary by my side. it read;
'' Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs''. 😰
I checked the meaning of rude and it read '' Tough''.
Let's not even go to ''easily angered'' because now that I think about it, my beloved was only expressing his fears in the misinterpretation of my text. I could have addressed that and assured him but i was more hurt with the misinterpretation. After reading all this, I quickly reasoned that nobody is perfect and if he was going through all the lengths to bring me to my happy place, I should meet him half-way and not make it ''tough'' for him by constantly pushing him away.
I also learned that offences will come. if you cannot overlook a wrong (proverbs 19;11), keep no record of wrongs or intentionally keep the peace in your relationship by learning to serve each other, meet each others emotional needs and forgiving quickly and constantly the devil will breed on your weaknesses. This is why most healthy relationships and marriages fall apart. You both have to die to yourself.
In this case, I had to see beyond my hurt feelings, I had to see that this man was also hurt and he is not a bad person and definitely not out to hurt me. I had to be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that I did not want to let go of this fracas easily because I feared he may hurt me in a bigger way tomorrow or worse take me or my emotions for granted
(what a fat lie! talk about the devil trying to prey on my past), the bible clearly says '' there is no fear in love''.
As long as your foundation is right, you both have same values and have agreed to go in the right direction, you will constantly see things you will not like and you will have to work it out or the devil will walk you out of that good relationship (omg!!! i just preached a whole sermon that rhymed..hahhahaha 😀😂😂😂).
so what did i learn today?
- I learned that you have to be ready to receive what you prayed for (I prayed that God will give me the heart of a servant, tonnes of patience and the ability to forgive easily).
- I learned that offences will come and handling them gracefully sets the tone for your your friendships, relationship and then your marriage.
- I learned that just because your best friend offended you does not take away who they are or how thoughtful and helpful they were to you yesterday. They have weaknesses too so you should grace them, lift them up and be kind to them. Allow room for growth just like you do to yourself.
- I also learned that saying things like '' This is how i feel about this and I would like you to help me put this in perspective'' to your loved one is more effective than saying '' This is how i feel about this and I do not care for what you have to say just leave me alone to figure this out''.
You feel me?! I don't know about you but I know I want to bring peace, calm and warmth to my relationships everyday even with the relationship I have with my colleagues. The devil is a master at using your past challenges to build an unhealthy fear in your present just to ruin things for you.
Do not let him, learn to give WHATEVER frustrations and fears you have to the lord and enjoy yourself knowing that HE has got you! Do not be afraid to give your best to a job, relationship (the right healthy one), marriage... etc (2 timothy 1;7) no matter what you may have gone through in the past. Let your light always continue to shine, you are sowing the right seed.
Do not let him, learn to give WHATEVER frustrations and fears you have to the lord and enjoy yourself knowing that HE has got you! Do not be afraid to give your best to a job, relationship (the right healthy one), marriage... etc (2 timothy 1;7) no matter what you may have gone through in the past. Let your light always continue to shine, you are sowing the right seed.
Cheers to growing in patience, peace, strength and unity everyday.
💖💖💖
NOTE: OCD means obsessive compulsive disorder.
Thank you for this!!!
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